A reader writes:
My manager of 1+ year takes our one-on-one meetings out loud in the same room as her partner, who occasionally pipes up in response to something I or my manager have said. He doesn’t do it all that much, but I can frequently hear him coughing or rustling around, making it pretty obvious he’s right there. Either way, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and even more so frustrated by my boss’s clear lack of boundaries. This has been going on for quite some time now. I was able to put it in the back my mind until the partner spoke up again recently and renewed my frustration.
I should probably note nothing the partner says is of much significance, usually just passing comments. I’ve heard him chuckle in the past when I’ve made a funny comment, add details when my boss was sharing something from her personal life, and agree with positive feedback my boss gave me once. So, none of it is outright negative, it’s just kind of strange that he is there! And I think about what that may be like if I ever have to bring something more sensitive to my manager’s attention.
Both my manager and I work from home most of the time. We both live in a city in one-bedroom apartments with our partners, so I am empathetic to the challenges of sharing a small home workspace with another person. But the difference is, my partner and I use headphones when taking calls or go into separate rooms when necessary (like when having private conversations with direct reports or needing a bit more quiet).
I am not sure how to proceed. I want to ask my manager if she could do the bare minimum of wearing headphones but I A) am nervous to initiate this conversation and am a bit upset that this is something I have to do, and B) am afraid it may alter the nature of our relationship, which is otherwise pretty casual and friendly. Not to mention that if and when I start this conversation, my manager’s partner will likely be in the same room to hear it. I’m cringing by how awkward and inappropriate this all feels. Help!
Yes, this would be uncomfortable! You’re thinking you’re having a private work-related discussion with your boss and suddenly her partner is part of the conversation, making clear he’s been listening all along. His interjecting to agree with her feedback about your work is particularly inappropriate, even though the feedback was positive! He’s not the person who should be assessing you, good or bad.
The explosion of remote work does mean that a lot of people are working from small spaces with a partner unavoidably around. But it’s one thing to know they’re working from the same room, and another to have him join your conversation! Generally people realize they need to preserve at least the illusion of privacy in that kind of set-up … and you should be able to trust that if you need to talk about something sensitive or awkward with your boss, there’s not an audience who might jump in with their own opinions.
Bringing this up with your boss doesn’t need to be a big deal. You could say, “Would you be up for wearing headphones when we talk so that we have some privacy? I know Brian often works from the same space and I sometimes need more of a private zone when we meet.” This is such a reasonable thing to suggest that it’s really unlikely that it would alter your relationship with your boss — and if you don’t want to say it when Brian might hear it (although frankly it might not be bad for him to hear that and maybe realize his behavior has been weird), you could email it to her before your next meeting.
If you’re hesitant to do this — although you shouldn’t be — at a minimum you could do it ahead of calls where you know you’ll particularly want privacy. For example, you could send an email ahead of time saying, “I need to discuss something more confidential when we talk this afternoon — would you be able to wear headphones or take our call where you can’t be overheard?”
